Photo-Journal Of Ashley Arias

So...........

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 03:33:48 GMT

So I made this, for Jeremy's Bar Mitzvah Party (he's 30;)
it's not a big deal.

It's just a penis with a frowny-faced foreskin
that you can remove to reveal a happy faced-circumcision.

Needless to say, it was a hit
and people were wearing the foreskin around like a hat all night.

Oh yeah and his name is Circumseymour, and he's from Brisconsin.
I mean Bristanbul, er I mean Brisissippi, ok originally from Brisrael.
Like I said, totally not a big deal.

Karaoke Classics

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 20:45:41 GMT

I went to karaoke with Elisa and Nate
and we had quite a rollicking time if I do say so myself.

This is a video of Elisa intimidating her french fries. I highly recommend it.

NBD.

UH OH YOU GOT XANAXED

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:53:43 GMT

Here's a video from when Asa took me to my cervical slicing.
I am completely drugged up on Xanax in order to prepare myself for the massacre.
Be advised, it is totally... a big deal.

Regretsy.com

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 06:01:30 GMT

Ash: http://images.regretsy.com/brown.jpg
Ash: i made you this
Ash: using only my vagina
Ash: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=33322729
iprojectstars: IT LOOKS LIKE YOU MADE IT WITH YOUR FEET
Ash: NO I MADE IT WITH MY HEART

Spanish Fly

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 18:17:34 GMT

Esther: ashhhh
Esther: buenos dias!
Ashley: hola tia
Esther: hola loca!!!
Ashley: la loca eres tu!
Esther: ya te has comprado un dildo?
Ashley: hahaha
Ashley: ya tengo demasiados
Esther: jajaja
Esther: algun color no tendras...
Ashley: haha si
Ashley: me lo mandas?
Esther: dimelo!
Ashley: quiero uno que huele a chorizo
Esther: jajajaja
Esther: por aqui se lleva mas el de sabor a jamon serrano... pero si quieres el del olor a chorizo te lo busco
Ashley: eso suena mejor
Ashley: a lo mejor hago una sopa de consolador

anything goes

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 19:06:50 GMT

Ash: people need to respect me and treat me well, otherwise they do not deserve my company
suxxdonut: wow! i want THAT tattood!
Ash: i have a needle and some black licorice
Ash: let's make this happen
suxxdonut: hahahaha
suxxdonut: WHIP IT IN ME
suxxdonut: im gonna cut it out on my back
suxxdonut: and you rub in the lickrish
Ash: ha "whip it in me"
Ash: indiana jones says "oh will i ever!"
suxxdonut: rawr! drop that carving on my pressure plate
suxxdonut: drop that golden idol into my ancient crevasse
Ash: CALL ME DOCTOR JONES
Ash: OH GOD THROW ME THE IDOL
Ash: THROW IT THROW IT
suxxdonut: WATCH OUT GIANT BALL

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 22:00:43 GMT

Ash: what the hell is this
binaryslacker: Yo Majesty - Booty Clap
Ash: yeah i see the title
Ash: why'd you send it to me
binaryslacker: Couldn't find a reason not to.
Ash: reason enough
binaryslacker: the live show has male dancers doing the booty clap. I wish i could do the booty clap
Ash: i can kinda do it
Ash: but it makes people afraid
binaryslacker: People need to get over it and embrace it.
Ash: dude this song rules
Ash: i'm all over it
binaryslacker: <3
Ash: oh god it's on a loop
binaryslacker: most booty claps are
binaryslacker: just happen over and over again they go up down little to the left up little to the right down and so on
Ash: I see you are a booty-clap physicist
Ash: I considered that as a major but figured psychology would just naturally lead into it
binaryslacker: if only I finished school and didn't get addicted to the booty claps I designed.
Ash: our studies are our crosses to bear

New Tattoo

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 22:52:59 GMT

Ash: what do you think of this as my tattoo font? http://www.dafont.com/blazed.font
caplatter: ...
caplatter: do you want my honest opinion?
Ash: yes
caplatter: YOU SHOULD TOTALLY DO IT.
Ash: OH GOD I KNEW IT
caplatter: FUCK CONVENTION.
Ash: you almost said don't do it cause you were jealous

Serious Game Discussion

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 19:13:38 GMT

suxxdonut: lololol GAME NAMES ARE SO DIRTY
suxxdonut: Haunted Mansion Ball Blast
suxxdonut: Bounce Out Ball-O-Rama
Ash: that better be a game
Ash: cause i've been playin' it
suxxdonut: KA GLOM
suxxdonut: bahhahahahahaha
Ash: they should just call it Haunted Mansion Splooge Blast
Ash: skip the formalities
suxxdonut: Haunted Mansion Pearl Necklace
suxxdonut: for a touch of class
Ash: for the upper crust gamer
suxxdonut: bahahahahaa
suxxdonut: i cant stop lauging about service snakes
Ash: haha whaaat
suxxdonut: http://www.king5.com/localnews/stories/NW_091809WAB-service-snake-shelton-KS.19223b6e3.html
Ash: haha he "fears losing his service snake"
Ash: HOW IS HE DIFFERENT FROM EVRY OTHER MAN I ASK YOU
suxxdonut: bahahahahahahaahhaa
suxxdonut: OH MY SNAKE WILL TELL ME WHEN IM ABOUT TO FIT
Ash: he'll tell me when I'm about to Mansion Ball Blast
suxxdonut: ahahaha i just snorted across teh cube farm
Ash: ha, well done
suxxdonut: they all know im doing something dirty now haha
Ash: theyre jealous no doubt
suxxdonut: putting ttheir phones on vibrate
suxxdonut: or 'consolodore' i should say
Ash: haha
suxxdonut: i bet in italy its called a 'sin wand'
Ash: haha
Ash: it's called an olive garden breadstick
suxxdonut: bahahahahahahahahaha
Ash: haha i just cracked myself up
suxxdonut: ALL I CAN EAT
Ash: hahaha

Kitty with a Sweet-Tooth

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 18:02:47 GMT

Uh-Oh
Someone got CatNip Donuts this morning.
Oh noooooooooooooooo

Comic Envy

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 22:09:20 GMT

Also:

BIRTHDAY KARAOKE FOR PATRICK THIS SATURDAY AT GOLDIE'S

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 18:39:56 GMT

YES
OH GOD YES

Saturday Goldie's 10pm

Christina is coming to visit! <3

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 02:03:55 GMT

caplatter: i'm such a glutton for punishment
caplatter: god my ass hurts
Ash: whoa are those two last comments related
caplatter: no, i went on a long bike ride
Ash: too bad for you
caplatter: i know

Linkin' Lightsabers

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 19:01:46 GMT

Mikey: Also, this: http://gizmodo.com/5370594/man-they-just-dont-make-tech-demos-like-they-used-to
Ash: god
Ash: what a dick
Ash: in shinier, happier news
Ash: THIS exists in the world
Ash: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3520/3967909120_ec096a2f7e.jpg
Mikey: well, it's certainly shiny
Ash: it makes like 50 shiny boners
Ash: everyone's lightsaber comes out when these things happen
Mikey: yeah... I don't really like thinking about other peoples' light sabers.
Ash: aw you're missin' out
Ash: i imagine boners like linkin logs
Ash: piled up on top of each other
Ash: building forts and semi stable buildings
Ash: to entertain small children
Mikey: I'd really rather blow up a mule's head.

Shopsins has a place in my heart

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 05:01:02 GMT

I think that
I like Killing Flies
is my new favorite documentary.

It's follows the Shopsin, family-owned restaurant in New York...
up until its untimely and permanent retirement.

It's streaming on Netflix and you absolutely have to watch it,
especially if you love good greasy food and foul-mouthed Jews as much as I do.

Totally charming film.
Sad I'll never experience a debilitating food coma under its roof.

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 22:24:21 GMT

meg: what is the news?
Ash: i'm watching vintage porn!
meg: OMG, MY FAVORITE FLAVOR
Ash: there's this documentary called indie sex
meg: that wasn't supposed to be in caps,oops
Ash: has all these really interesting commentators
meg: joss whedon
meg: steven spielberg
Ash: adolf hitler
meg: matt groening
Ash: oh happy 9/11 btw
meg: yes, happy patriot day
Ash: there is a michael jackson singalong at central cinema tonight
Ash: to commemorate a more important loss
Ash: MEMORIAL TRUMP
meg: i am thankful for the valiant attemps of our nation's brave firefighters
meg: as well as those by hallmark to profit from the deaths of thousands
meg: memorial burn
meg: straight-up memorial snap

meg: so i have this new job two days a week, answering the phone for a "talent agency"
meg: someone paid bank for a gene simmons impersonator the other day
meg: how retarded
Ash: god
Ash: worst choice ever
meg: right
Ash: hi we hired a child rapist for our party
Ash: ENJOY HIS TONGUELY WAYS
meg: haha
meg: asdfshagd

meg: she needs female clowns
meg: if you know any
Ash: dude
Ash: isn't that what we are?
Ash: da dum ching
meg: srsly

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Comedy Gold

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 20:16:52 GMT

Can't wait to see A Good Old Fashioned Orgy, Martin Starr is such a babe. He gives me a throbbing nerd boner.

In other news, everyone needs to watch Party Down, immediately. The most amazing cast, ever.

Reliving Old Saps

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 21:48:33 GMT

me: this is a relatively disturbing spam email subject: "You can be the father for all the hung men out there!"
Vincent: and you CAN, ashley! just follow your dreemz!
Vincent: that's the body of the message, no doubt
me: i'm not ready to be a daddy, not even to a slew of huge penises

Vincent: agreed. i hope you're into friendly cuddles
me: i just hate that word, I enjoy the activity
me: cuddling as a word creeps me out a little, I think that means i've been to Burning man too many times
Vincent: oh, yigh, are they into bandying about the c-word there?
me: i want to make up a new word
me: like smushing
Vincent: omg. yes. that.
me: or jabberjocking
me: i like burrowing my head into various crevasses
me: that should be called affectionate cannonballing
me: or lovebunting
Vincent: i'm tirelessly affectionate. glad i'm in good company.
Vincent: lovebunting ftw
Vincent: fluffbuffing
Vincent: hm. maybe not.

Donut Law

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 19:34:25 GMT

Ash: i just ate a maple bar with black coffee
Ash: i am such a cop
caplatter: HAHAHA
caplatter: num
Ash: yeah it was fantastically satisfying
Ash: i should tell Vince to dip his penis in maple
caplatter: ooh, delicious *and* exciting!
caplatter: tell him you'll wear your cop uniform
Ash: haha
caplatter: or even better!
caplatter: he should wear it
caplatter: Hot Cops!
Ash: GLAZED OFFICERS OF THE LAW
caplatter: and he can be like, EAT that donut, you lawbreaker you
Ash: hahaha
Ash: DIP IT IN YOUR COFFEE POT
caplatter: i'm trying to think of what he could use the handcuffs for
Ash: he could force feed me old fashioneds
Ash: I WONT STOP TIL YOU SURRENDER VIA SUGAR COMA
caplatter: hahaha!
caplatter: man
Ash: COMPLY COMPLY! OH YEAH YOU LIKE TO COMPLY DONT YOU
caplatter: you guys could record it and sell it as foodie porn!
Ash: fuck yes
caplatter: next episode: bacon wrapped testes with a roumelade
Ash: hahaha
caplatter: i think it would sell gangbusters.
Ash: oh for sure

Christina is Hilarious

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 18:47:11 GMT

caplatter: i quit sugar and smoking yesterday.
Ash: wow a whole 8 hours?
Ash: i am so proud
caplatter: it's pretty big.
caplatter: this is like the 45th time i've quit smoking this year
caplatter: but the first time i've thought to combine that with sugar
caplatter: because sugar is the badz.
Ash: yeah its evil
Ash: BUT ITS EVIL SEDUCES ME EVERY TIME
caplatter: that's how it plays.
caplatter: it's like, hey red hair, i like the way you look at me
Ash: haha
Ash: DONT YOU WANT ME INSIDE YOU
caplatter: you know it'll be good
caplatter: you'll feel me coursing through your veins
Ash: YOULL LOVE THE HIGH HIGHS AND THEN WELL GET LOW GET LOOOOWWW
caplatter: mm, girl, don't you look good
Ash: GIRL, ARE YOU A DIABETIC?
Ash: CAUSE I'D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A COMA
caplatter: i can't help but imagine what you'd look like with me inside of you
Ash: hahaha
caplatter: wanna taste this magic stick?
Ash: OOH GIRL DO YOU LIKE FUN DIPS
caplatter: HAHA
caplatter: oh, that's the one that would get me.
caplatter: i'd be down for the count for sure
Ash: youd be like omg i DO like fun dips, SHIT
caplatter: SHIT YOU FOUND MY WEAKNESS

Worf Smiles

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 07:12:13 GMT

Ash: do you have that photo of worf smiling?
pzldiethx: oh the worf thing i used lj pix apparently
pzldiethx: http://pics.livejournal.com/warrend/pic/00001r97
pzldiethx: but it is so wonderful!

Ash: HELLO NIGHTMARES
pzldiethx: ahaha
pzldiethx: never
pzldiethx: look how pleased he is!
Ash: I AM PLEASED WITH YOUR TERROR
pzldiethx: hahaha
pzldiethx: diana troi was down with that shit
pzldiethx: why cant you be?
Ash: well yeah she loves chocolate
pzldiethx: let a half klingon brotha do what he do
pzldiethx: he is the fang-toothed obama of the future

Michael Jackson Commemorative Table

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 01:17:43 GMT

Ashley: did you see the MJ table Hannah and I made together?
Meg: that thing is fucking amazing
Ashley: only mj related activities are allowed on that table
Meg: well, naturally
Ashley: moonwalking, pedophilia, hanging with chimps, wearing one glove
Meg: skin bleaching
Ashley: totally
Meg: cosmetic surgery, marrying people temporarily
Ashley: hahaha

More To Love

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 05:32:37 GMT

asabass79: what are you up to?
Ash: watching this super depressing reality show about curvy girls with low self esteem
asabass79: ugggh
asabass79: WHY
Ash: its like a train wreck
asabass79: is it one of those "compete for the dude" shows?
Ash: yeah
asabass79: double ugggh
Ash: yeah
Ash: they are so terribly lonely
asabass79: what's it called?
Ash: "more to love"
Ash: ba dum ching
asabass79: of course it is.
Ash: i made a porkchop and fried rice
Ash: man its so good
asabass79: lovely
asabass79: I'm trying to decide if I want to find something to do tonight
asabass79: I don't have anything in mind really
Ash: i suggest eating pork and pitying fat people
Ash: works for me
asabass79: are they cute? the fat girls?
Ash: yeah totally
Ash: they're all totally beautiful and they have no idea
Ash: i wonder what cave they've been living in
Ash: or have they not heard of the internet
Ash: it accepts all types!
asabass79: these girls all need my phone #
asabass79: srsly
Ash: hahaha
Ash: you so have a type
asabass79: *sigh*
Ash: it's cute
Ash: this show doesn't want to load and i have some serious chubby blue balls right now
asabass79: hahahahaha
asabass79: welcome to my world

Billie Piper LOLz

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 23:17:26 GMT

I've been watching the second season of Secret Diary of a Call Girl, which does a decent job of satisfying my more softcore entertainment needs; but man, these old music videos of her before she starred in this show are CRACKING MY SHIT UP.

Did you guys know she was a pop star in Britain before Dr. Who and SDCG? This is blowing my mind.

The lyrics to "Honey To The Bee" are fucking terrible, holy shit.

I need your honey-drip every hour

UM OK BILLIE I THINK WE GET YOUR INNUENDO THERE
YOU'RE LAYING IT ON PRETTY THICK, ACTUALLY, THANKS

Totally entertaining though!

natural disaster protocol

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 05:16:50 GMT

elcheeze: did i overdo my diagram?
Ash: i just wish the vagina was bloody
elcheeze: yeah tough to find :(
Ash: THE ISSUE IS WITH ACCURACY
elcheeze: see more i was going for "if you poop in a vagina LOOK WHAT HAPPENS."
elcheeze: it is a cautionary diagram!
Ash: well if it's for safety
Ash: i'll get it into public schools right away
elcheeze: right along with stop drop and cover!
Ash: isnt it stop drop and roll
Ash: good thing i told you before i lit you on fire
elcheeze: that is fire!
elcheeze: this is nuclear explosion.
Ash: oh i see
elcheeze: or earthquake
elcheeze: one of the two.
Ash: earthquake
elcheeze: oh right, earthquake is "duck and cover"
elcheeze: can i be blamed! nearly the same.
Ash: you're so gonna die